I always just say, un-cleverly, and in a hateful voice, "I have no idea how to answer that question, so I won't" when people ask me stupid questions such as these. Which is not working out well financially, because I have to pay my roommate and extra dollar in rent every time I'm rude.

I think the only answer to, "Keeping out of trouble?" is, "No."

If you glare at them with sufficient hatred, that might help. Sufficient hatred is often the answer.

But then, I shouldn't really act like I'm good at this. When my godfather said to me, "I'm so glad we got you married early and out of trouble," I just stared at him, speechless.

Ohhhh. People who give you money. Right.

They suck. Except for the giving you money part.

Yeah, I've tried that, but after a while it starts to feel like you're playing the game. Like, "Ha ha aren't we the funny vaudeville-type duo."

Hahahahahahahahah You slay me. And I feel better now about my constant stream of snarkalicious internal dialogue when faced with live humans.

Back in the corporate job, 'Are we having fun yet?' used to send my butt twitching.

Many years ago (while I was still in college), one time I was in a bad mood, I wore my "friendly button" when I went grocery shopping.

Sure enough, some "Aren't I Being Awesome" jerk started coming onto me and flirtatiously said, "Can I read your button?"

In very small print, the button read: "Oh, shit -- you're going to speak to me, aren't you?"

Is it possible that you and I are different species?

Here's the part where I confess I was wanting to start a conversation with her the whole time but I held back as long as I could because I thought it would irritate you.

How would you feel about people calling you "bro"?

Here in Australia we have a particularly annoying lighthearted greeting: "Whadda ya know?"

Mostly said by middle-aged to old men in an ocker twang.

I'm not sure what the appropriate response is; some equally banal cliche no doubt, but I can never manage a response, my brain temporarily frozen in distaste at the ludicrous shallow vacuousness of workplace conversation.

Workin' hard or hardly workin'?

My work here is done.

This post reminds me of my family. One of my parents is fine, but the other one and that whole branch of the family are good, wholesome, utterly uncynical people. Unfortunately, conversation with them is frequently vapid and trite. Conversation about entertainment rarely goes further than, "Oh, yeah, that one was good." Political discussion is stultifying. Most questions are perfectly rote and have been asked countless times before. I still haven't figured out how to graciously contribute to such meaningless talk, especially when it continues for hours on end. None of which you probably wanted to hear, but there it is. I'm a chip off the old block. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.

What bugs me is when I answer a vapid question with an equally vapid but atypical response and the questioner takes umbrage.

For example, when someone asks, "How are you today?" and I respond, "Doing okay."

Often I will get, "Just okay?" in response.

What the f!$k am I supposed to say?

How do you react to 'Cold enough for you?'

So I have that to look forward at Readercon?

What do you feel about "How's tricks?"